Fragments

I'm Back Version 2.0

2006-04-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

so i'm back again. i stopped blogging since God knows when but who cares anyway? nobody reads my blog anymore. haha. enough of those hoo-haa. anyway. i won't be graduating this may. the reason? well.. a serious case of misfortune. i dont want to talk about it.. i'm so over that incident. anyway since i still have 2 units left before i can complete my college degree, i decided to start looking for a job. i applied for a technical support position at S***s and luckily i passed. too bad i can't post the account where i was assigned but here's a hint: it's a popular name in the IT field and you can see the company's logo everywhere. haha. take a guess. my NEO training started yesterday and boy! it was fun. well except for the time when one of the trainors taught us how to compute for our income tax... grabe! i was close to having a heart attack when i knew how much will be deducted in my salary. the product training will start this thursday. i'm really looking forward to it. the only bad thing is the training schedule is at 1-10pm and the training site is in ortigas and i'll be coming from binondo. i have to get used to this.

Happy. Happy. Happy

2006-02-13T22:43:00.000-08:00

even though i will not be celebrating valentines day with my arnold tomorrow because of work-related shits, i still have a lot of reasons to be happy. no make that three.

Reason # 1
our proposed system is now 60% complete and we still have less than a month to complete it. graduation is slowly becoming a reality.. LOL!

Reason # 2
i'm starting to get over "HIS EX". i'm getting there slowly but surely

Reason # 3
because i decided to be happy. i realized that dwelling on negative thoughts won't do me any good. there is nothing cute about excess baggages so i'm leaving all the bad memories behind.

hay... i just feel so happy today. well.. i hope this is not a one-day thing, you know how unstable i can be. haha!

Restless Mind

2006-02-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

i have so many things in my head but I am completely lost for W O R D S.

i am never gonna be carrie bradshaw or jessica zafra. EVER.

5 Weird Things

2006-01-22T02:01:00.000-08:00

this tag came from jeepers.

1. i daydream a lot. and i mean A LOT. i daydream before and after i sleep. i daydream when i'm walking, eating, writing, drinking, reading. etc. whoever said that you cannot do two things at the same time is a big, fat liar. hehehe

2. i think it's very sexy when two girls kiss. no, i'm not a lesbian or a bi-fem and i'm super sure that i'm not gonna be one ever. wala lang, i just find the act really sexy and sensual. well, i'd rather watch two girls kissing rather than seeing two boys smooching.. bleeecchhh!

3. i can't openly express my love and affection to my family. but i can always be touchy-feely to my boyfriend and to some of my friends. but that does'nt mean that i don't love them, i can kill for them when the situation calls for it.

4. i was never a girly-girl. i'm like every other girl who enjoys shopping, boy-ogling, clothes, make-up and shoes. but i cannot stand sitting down with the girls discussing how adorable hello kitty is. DUH.

5. i can't think of anything else. haha! i don't find myself weird at all.

i'm passing this on to caitlin, ccigaux, tin, tintin and marky.

Relatives from Hell

2006-01-13T22:25:00.000-08:00

i've been itching to blog for the past 3 days but somehow i could'nt find the time and the privacy to do so. again, let me emphasize PRIVACY. blame it on my uber-compassionate grandmother, she ADOPTED (please take note of the term) her newly separated niece together with her 6-year old daughter who always gets in my effing nerves. believe me this child is annoying every member of our family, that includes my 7-year old cousin who has a high-tolerance to intimidation even to his most delinquent playmates. well, he used to. until the little imp came. i know i should respect my grandma's decision because she is the queen of our family and i love her very very much. but the idea of her shouldering all the expenses of her niece and her niece's daughther kinda ticks me off. you know when your husband leaves you for another woman and you are left alone with a child to raise. would you let yourself rut in the house of your RELATIVE, doing nothing but talk on the mobile phone for 16 hours a day? i would'nt do that. a job is needed to raise a child not a goddam phone pal.

*** i have so many things to blog about but the little imp is annoying the hell out of me again. i swear, one of these days i'm gonna explode. will blog again tomorrow.

The Promise

2006-01-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

would you believe that after 38 months of being together, we did'nt have a theme song. so last night, we chose this one and i am so loving it!

When in Rome - The Promise

If you need a friend,
don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I'll always be there.

And when you're in doubt,
and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I'm gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I shout,
it's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa ...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you'll wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, I'd make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will ...
I will...
I will...
I will..

3 Stupid Things

2005-12-28T00:39:00.000-08:00

according to ccigaux, this tag was inspired by me. read on to know why :)

The Three Stupid Things I've Done for L-O-V-E

1. more than 3 years ago, my ex and i broke up because he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, though it hurt like hell i continued to communicate with him, after three weeks i took him back, i was so stupid and naive back then that i fell for his stupid gimik to win me back. after a week he dumped me again. the reason? he got back with his ex-gf.

2. i disobeyed and disrespected my parents for this good for nothing guy. guess who im talking about... the EX who dumped me twice!

3. just last week, my bf and i got into a fight.. it was solely my fault. i tried to patch things up but he refused. to turn the tables around, i tried to overdose myself. no, that was'nt a suicide attempt. i just wanted to get really really sick because a friend told me that when she and her bf broke up, she took 10 different tablets and she got sick for a week. so i thought that it could be the way to soften his heart. stupid noh?! but it did'nt work.. i don't know why!

* the ex-bf and i are in good terms right now. he's single and miserable while i'm very much contended with my love life right now. what goes around comes around.

Back From the Dead

2005-12-26T17:45:00.000-08:00

Belated Merry Christmas Everyone! will blog soon.. that's a promise!

On Love (Such a Cliche')

2005-12-04T02:09:00.000-08:00

forgive me for the lack of updates.. as always. i've been busy.. no, not really i just waited for the giddy-mushy feeling to subside.. hehe. i was just too lazy to think of something to write about. i actually had a lot of things to talk about but my mind is unable to construct anything sensible. let me talk about something else..

i just got off the phone with my friend lene (not her real name of course)and for almost one hour she kept on ranting about her problems with her responsible-but-not-quite common law husband art. i was slightly pissed-off because she kept on repeating things like a broken record. but that's what a good friend does right? LISTEN,ENDURE,ADVICE... hay nako tlga.. love could really make a smart person irrational. pagka feeling mo mahal mo na.. sige lang.. love is NEVER enough to make a relationship work.

a relationship needs compatibility and commitment, it needs mutual respect, personal space, emotional openness, maturity and responsibility.. i'm proud because arnold and i had met all these criterias. just perfect.. for a moment i thought that this entry will be arnold-free.. well.. i guess i'm wrong.

One Foine' Day

2005-11-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

"Happy Bday Arnold! musta na, ganda nang girl friend mo.Good luck en God bless" --> this made my day.. the message came from my boyfriend's uber-gorgeous-mother-of-two cousin. i may sound really mababaw but considering the fact that it came from her uber-gorgeous-mother-of-two cousin makes my so-called kababawan understandable. i love my man and the approval of his family members matters so much to me. i want them to feel that i'm worthy for their beloved arnold. his immediate family seems to think so especially his mom. happy!happy!joy!joy! hehe. i sound like a giddy love struck teenager. this is one of the reasons why i don't blog that much because i can't think of anything else to write about other than my feelings for HIM. you guys might get bored reading my sappy proclamations of love. in our three years together i had never felt this much. i dont know, maybe the marriage plans has something to do with this. oh well, maybe my next entry will be arnold-free.. well maybe.. just maybe...

Free Writing

2005-11-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

cant think of anything to write about.. is this what they call a writer's block? no im not a writer... bloggers block would be more appropriate.. hehehe.. what the hell. there goes that word again.. hehehe.. is that even considered a word? whatevs.. i miss him... what the? we just spent the whole saturday together.. am i getting too clingy? hehehe.. oh no! not another hehehe.. project proposal deadline on the 16th.. need to finish it... soon... no, need to finish it tomorrow.. shit! i dont like cramming. 3rd year anniversary on saturday.. what is he up to.. no details about it... hmmm.. mysterious = exciting! cant wait... i love him.. never loved anyone like this before.. heavenly, blissful... just divine! i want chocolate.. lots of chocolate.. moving in together a year from now.. and then there's the wedding plan.. big plans... big dreams. scares me a bit though.. am i ready? am i really really ready? yes i am.. weird.. im so sure about this.. never in my life had i been so sure of something.. signs from above? i guess so.. i love him. i love him.. i love him... 1...2....3...... end. oooopppssssss mental block..

20 Random Things

2005-10-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

SneakyPants tagged me. just because she wants to know about the weird marriage proposal i had. haha! this ones for you girl.

20 random things about me.

* i had two weird marriage proposals in my life. both from the same person, my current bf. the first one was like two years ago,he went to our house dead drunk and i was really pissed off. because he cant drive back home, mommy told him to sleep in my bedroom, as i was about to give him a lecture, he said he wants to sleep beside me. ( and yeah i mean this LITERALLY, not the other SLEEP ur thinking) but i refused because my mom and grandmother wouldnt permit it and then out of the blue he said. " M, kung gusto ng lola mo na pakasalan kita bukas pakakasalan kita. just sleep beside me, i feel sick and feverish i just want you to hug me while i'm sleeping. please, we'll get married tomorrow. and then he passed out and i had to dragged him up to my bedroom.

* the second marriage proposal i had was a few months ago. still from him. we were talking on the phone and he was drunk again.

MY BF: "M, let's get married after your graduation, ILOVEYOU so much, you are my LAST CHANCE, i dont want to lose you ever."
whoa! he's 23,i'm 21. where did that came from? and after that he passed out AGAIN.

* i hate big,fugly, hairy rats. makes me sick to my stomach.

* i'm good at manipulation. that's one of the greatest things about being a woman.
you can be manipulative and still look sweet and naive. haha.

* i love it when it rains. makes me happy in a weird kind of way.

* i'm 21 but i sometimes feel like im 30

* i'm a walking oxymoron.

* i was never good at expressing my feelings in words. never.never.never.

* people tell me that i'm quite dominant but with HIM, i like to think that i'm submissive.

* i once had an extremely low self-esteem.

* i'm very very very passionate about photography.

* we're celebrating our 3rd year anniversary on november 12.. but its just numbers right sneaky?

* i think im the only girl in class who thinks smashing pumpkins is cool way back in high school.

* my grandfather is pure chinese so that makes me 25% intsik. *wo han mey li*. waha!

* i can't live without my pc.

* i'm a book freak. i used to dream about being locked in a bookstore.

* i'm a first born and the first grandchild in my father's side of the family. which makes me the boss. haha

* i like to hug and kiss a lot. *wink*

* i love my grandmother so much. maybe i could live without my mom and dad. but not without her. i'm a lola's girl.

* i'm IN LOVE every minute. everyday.

i'm passing this to tin, jeepers and ccigaux. have a great weekend people.

Tired

2005-10-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

i had never been so tired in my whole life. until NOW. i couldn't even think of something to write about. but the good news is my groupmates and i are able to finish two project proposals (automated window cleaner and smart security system) today and were still one week ahead of deadline! were thinkin about doing another project proposal (device scheduler and controller) for backup in case the first two are rejected by the panel. will post about the details as soon as i get back on track. i need to get some sleep.

His Ex

2005-09-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

here i am again. back where i was before. insecure and jealous. how typical. tsk tsk tsk. i thought that looking at her friendster account would make me immune of this irrational jealosy i'm feeling for her. definitely not a good idea. why am i so fucking jealous of her? he does'nt even care if she's still fucking alive. maybe because i can't get over the fact that he shared almost 6 years of his life with her. but we will share the rest of our lives together, so why the fuck am i still feeling this way. i fucking hate myself for feeling this way. this so not fucking right.

he's so over her.
... i'm not.

Tired, Worried and Sleepless

2005-09-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

hello people. hope you guys are having a wonderful week. coz' i'm not. i have so many things to think about. i don't even know where to start. our DESIGN1 project proposal is due next month and still my groupmates and i are still on the brainstorming stage.

DESIGN1 requires us to submit a project proposal of a micro-controller based system. (I.E: digital synchronized clock, digital water meter, line follower, smart burglar alarm system and the likes.) at the end of the term we will defend it with a group of sharp/cruel/scary panellist from our faculty. which makes everything worse. boy, i've heard a lot of horror stories about these people. i even saw the previous proponents crying when they left the defense room. hmmmmm... scary..

but of course we still have to create a prototype of the project on the following term. if and only if we pass DESIGN1. we will have to face the same sharp/cruel/scary panel again. which again makes everything worse...

but i'm not letting my fears get the best of me. i cannot afford to fail this time. i am 7 months away from graduation.
10 months away from earning my first salary.
3 years away from migrating to canada with my boyfriend/fiance (unofficially).
4 years away from owning a swanky 3-storey house and a red convertible sports car.
5 years away from conceiving my first child.
7 years away from an expensive and romantic world tour.
9 years away from buying a boracay mansion and 10 years away from starting my own company. i could just go on and on the whole day.

my (our) entire life is already planned and i won't let anyone or anything interfere with it. even if it means killing somebody. hehe. kidding. i will only live once. i might as well make the most of it.

Sorry

2005-09-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

i read my previous post and i realized that i had been a little harsh to the gangsta-loving crowd, i should'nt have said that in the first place. i don't have the right to judge them. we all have our differences and we should learn to respect each others individuality. again sorry for being too judgemental..though i still think their language is stupid. much love to y'all hommies... hehehehe..

let's just all be happy. life is beautiful.. well at least in my own perspective.

WTF?!

2005-09-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

don't you just hate those people who tries so hard to be a gangsta (whatever they call it!). you know those "creatures" who has their own stupid language. here's some example.

-yaH Gon sEe who'z thA boMbezt cHiQ..heLL yez
-eM yOuNg aN' i goTTa LivE mAi LiFe tOo thA fuLLeSt aN' fReeLy dO aLL i eVa bN' wantiN
-CoMing ryt HurR... wer they LoCos At?
-yOu mAy tALKinG liKe im'A hit yAh nAh mEAn ZiZZLE,bOy yAh nAh im zAyinG mAh NiGGa..

who the hell started this language, were filipinos.. were not african americans for petes sake. try something original.. god,they're freakin me out. these people would even go as far as wearing those trashy, unnattractive clothes. so annoying... obviously i'm not in a good mood today. this post is nonsense. please click the X button.

Light,Peace and LOVE

2005-08-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

i saw this one from russ. light-peace-love is the theme. since i am seriously contemplating about my life for two weeks now and i am still feeling a tad bit down, i might as well do this to change pace. just to lighten up my luggage you know.

LIGHT - this photo was taken 3 months ago at our backyard (pinagandang sampayan). as you can see my finger is pointing towards the sky,yes that fat finger belongs to me. well anyway the sun rays symbolizes GOD. i may not be a devout catholic, i rarely go to sunday mass and i admit that i am a compulsive sinner but still.. I BELIEVE IN HIM. i may not see him, i may not be able to touch him but i can feel him. i can feel him everywhere,everytime and every single day. he is my light.

PEACE - i took this last november 2004 at subic while we were on a boat ride. this shot made me realize that i have a passion for photography. i feel calm and peaceful whenever i see this photo. i want to go to subic. i need a place where i can breathe easily.

LOVE - taken at tagaytay's peoples park in the sky. i was supposed to post a photo of my bf and i but then i remembered that this blog is intended to be kept in supreme secrecy. so i opted for this one. my exact definition of love would be HIM. in times of uncertainty there is only one thing i'm sure of... his love for me. he puts up with me even in my most vile temper. if that's not love then i don't know what it is.

Realizations

2005-08-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: this post does not have something to do with my lovelife. period.

i want something but i don't know what it is

i don't know if this is an effect of the gloomy weather or because of reading too much chick lits. but just this morning i realized that for the past 21 years of my existence, i had been wanting all the wrong things.

it felt like i had just awakened from a deep slumber only to find out that the rest of the world is still sleeping. it's complicated i'd rather keep it to myself.

well.. nobody said that life is easy.

snatching a line from tom cruise in the movie minority report

"what are you gonna do now mafie?... what are you gonna do now?"

OFF-TOPIC: i will never ever trust high-heeled shoes again. even if it feels strangely comfortable. believe me i learned this in the most humiliating way.

I'm On A High

2005-07-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

*don't you just love watching children dance in the rain? holding hands with the one you love or bumping into your long lost friend.. ahhhh. pleasures, pleasures. the best things in life are indeed FREE.

yesterday was one of those great days. my heart was filled with unexplainable happiness. everything seems to be beautiful. i even enjoyed riding the unnerving MRT and to make the day more special. arnold was there when i came home. i did'nt even know that he's coming. i love surprise visits. sana lang every single day will be like yesterday. hafta go.. i still have to go to school pa eh.. happy weekend everyone..

Random Things.

2005-07-21T13:21:00.000-07:00

sigh.. i wasn't able to go to podium with "meg ryan" because i was not feeling well.. too bad. there's always next time. sayang libre pa naman. hehe :)

fellow bloggers had been answering this survey. might as well join the bandwagon.

three names you go by.
1. M
2. mafie
3. achie mafie ganda gorgeous,super gorgeous in the whole world. (as what my adorable 6-yr. old cousin fondly calls me. pag may kailangan syempre!)

three screen names you have had.
1. M
2. creampuff. hehe!
3. confused

three physical things you like most about yourself.
1. eyes
2. dimples
3. lips

three physical things you dont like about yourself.
1. skin. i want to have a lighter skin though i'm not really dark
2. feet.
3. eyebrows

three parts of your heritage.
1. filipino
2. chinese
3. italian (daw?) my lola told me that her great grandfather originally came from italy daw.

three things that scare you.
1. big, fugly rats!
2. thunder.
3. getting hurt. yeah. yeah

three of your everyday essentials.
1. love.. *singing*... all we need is love.
2. nodski. :)
3. cash.

three of your favorite musical artists. (3 is not enough!)
1. vertical horizon
2. tori amos
3. sarah mclachlan..

three of your favorite songs.
1. wonderwall by oasis
2. the verve's bittersweet symphony
3. sleeps with butterfly (tori amos)

three things you want in a relationship.
1. communication/understanding
2. independent dependency... (labo ba? bsta something in between.. :))
3. undying passion

three lies and truth in no particular order.
lies.
1. money can't buy you happiness.. just like what russ said... whoever said that doesn't know where to shop.
2. carlos agassi is gorgeous.. sorry for those who likes him but i don't. he's friggin annoying.
3. all engineers are good in math.. big lie!

truths.
1. GOD exists.
2. love moves in mysterious ways
3. nodski love me very much.. i cant think of anything else

three things about the opposite sex that appeal to you.
1. brain.
2. eyes
3. smile.

three of your favorite hobbies.
1. collecting pirated dvd's
2. going out w/ my bf/family/friends
3. intellectual conversations

three things you really want to do badly now.
1. eat a gonuts donut and have a rhumba frappe.
2. buy the uber-cute flats i saw at freeway
3. sleep. sleep. sleep

three careers you're considering/you've considered.
1. computer engineer
2. writer ala carrie bradshaw
3. archaelogist

three places you want to go on vacation.
1. egypt
2. new york
3. bahamas

three kid names you like.
1. alexis
2. galadriel.. i love LOTR
3. alexander

three things you want to do before you die.
1. marry him
2. see the pyramids in egypt
3. be rich and have 100 pairs of manolo's

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy.
1. i dont like waiting
2. i'm not into popshit and boybands
3. pink is not my favorite color

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl.
1. i have a bf.. well that's a given.
2. I LOVE SHOPPING!!!
3. I REALLY REALLY LOVE SHOPPING!!!

three celeb crushes.
1. jason lewis, the guy from sex and the city...
2. rob thomas.
3. angelie jolie. i'm not a lesbo but she's hot!

now its my turn to tag.
- whoever... :)

oh.. i've noticed that my blog is so pictureless.. so here is the last picture i took before my beloved digicam broke and faded into oblivion..

Busy.Busy.Busy

2005-07-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

Whew! i've been really busy this past few days, so busy that i don't even have time to blog. I am now assigned to a disaster recovery project which requires me to study SQL Server, Apache Tomcat,Mercury 32, Arcserve BackUp and such. I am not familiar with these softwares that's why it consumes most of my time. Plus i have an incoming Thin-PC project which also requires me to study. Sorry for those who cannot relate with what i'm saying. Sorry for all those jargons. well anyway, "meg ryan" and i will go to podium tomorrow to watch a movie. i know this may sound "jologs" but i had never been to podium before. it's far from my beloved binondo kasi. hehe! nagpalusot pa eh noh?! i cannot wait for friday! i'm so so so tired! i just wanna sleep, sleep and sleep.

6th of July

2005-07-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

this may be a little late but i want to thank the people who made my "exclusive" 21st birthday party extra special. you guys are the best!

"nodski" - my bf, my companion, my wonderwall, my elysian field, words may not be enough to express how much i feel. i can never thank you enough for organizing such a wonderful pseudo-party. ILOVEYOU.ILOVEYOU.ILOVEYOU

"meg ryan" - fujitsu girl! i miss you na. thank's for staying late though you still have work the next day.i appreciate it! love mo ko tlga. hehe. :)

"rcs" - you look like a woman in love.. hmmm. why am i not surprised?! haha. thank you for coming though late na kita ininform. i had fun with you guys.

"sheri" - time can only tell. you know what i mean. the truth will set you free. i so love the pic of you and arnold. if you were'nt so lesbian, i would probably get jealous of you. hehe! love you pare!

"pinpin" - too bad "meg ryan" did'nt chose you. haha. i'm kidding. oh! about the vatican (ba-TIKAN) thingy... arnold and i are just messing with you. we love you!

"ne and len" - thank you na rin. though eat and run ang eksena nyo. mwah mwah mwah!

Roller coaster.

2005-07-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

* was supposed to post this last sunday. i somehow lost the copy so this is now a scaled down version.

**********************************

what is it about men and beer? i don't get it. beers turn men into inconsiderate, annoying, insensitive a-holes. haaayyy... just like what tin said.. " they just go together. you can't deny the connection". the sad part is.. you can't do anything about it and i think campaigning for world peace will be a lot more easier.

**********************************

this is not related to the above. well technically.

i'm so fucked up right now. i kinda' screwed things up. paranoia and cynicism WILL ALWAYS be a disastrous combination. stupid stupid me! i think i'm gonna grab some beer in the convenience store.gawd im pathethic!

Fucked Up!

2005-06-17T00:13:00.000-07:00

* was supposed to post this last sunday. i somehow lost the copy so this is now a scaled down version.

**********************************

this is not related to the above. well technically.

31st 12

2005-06-12T15:08:00.001-07:00

i was about to post something about beer and men but i changed my mind. why? because this a very special day. today, arnold and i are celebrating our 31st month anniversary. wow! i can't believe that in just 5 months we will celebrate our 3rd anniversary. time flies so fast.

i just hope that we would not experience the so-called 3-year itch. yes, i know that that was supposed to be a 7-year itch. but melissa swore that it DOES happen. she's a woman of experience,i believe her. hehe! =)

i'm at a loss for words right now but this poem will say it all..

sleepyhead... this one's for you

Pablo Neruda - Love Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

2005-06-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

i'm at a loss for words right now but this poem will say it all..

sleepyhead... this one's for you

End of Summer

2005-06-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

time check. 12:00 am. yipeeee!!!! first post for the month of june.

wow! summer is officially over though mine did'nt even start. i had been so busy the whole summer that i did'nt even had the luxury of time to go for a splash. no beach. no sunsets. no nothing! what a life?!

but still i think that its all worth it. all my sacrifices paid off. i won't go into details just read my last entry. i still have 15 days left before my training starts. i can't wait! i'm oh so excited. it will be one helluva learning experience.

Think BIG. Dream BIG.

2005-05-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

This is IT!

i got accepted in L2S as a product support representative. well actually, i applied as an intern but my job description is the same with their regular employees. which means that i'll be providing technical solutions from clients over US, Europe and Asia.

unlike other call centers, we don't have ready-made scripts (aside from the opening and closing spiels of course!). which also means that i need to start practicing my problem-solving skills. oh come on! explaining how to configure linux to act as a server is really hard. i need to have a lot of IMAGINATION.

i'm really excited and nervous at the same time. imagine pacifying 20 or more upset-clients in one day. that's a total drag. i could not even bear hearing ishna's rants for five minutes.but come to think of it. working in L2S will be a good learning experience. it will surely enhance my computer networking abilities.

but i still don't know if i can take the pressure. darn it! come what may! i'll just do my best. training starts in june 16 until july 6. what a coincident! july 6 is my birthday. lucky day! speaking of my birthday... i can't believe that i'll be turning 21 in 43 days. time is running so fast.

The Return

2005-05-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

hey! hey! hey! i'm back! what's new in the blogging scene? i wasn't able to blog for 3 weeks because i've been really busy with my so-called life.
here's a bit of an update in case you guys have been wondering where the hell i've been.

these are arranged chronologically:

1. my boyfriend and i decided to call it quits.
-- for some reasons i don't even want to remember. i've hit rock bottom. felt really low. cried for two days. didn't eat nor sleep. deep shit. need i say more?

2. billy asked if he can court me. i said yes. stupid stupid me.
-- it's obvious why i said yes. i was lonely. i needed someone to comfort me. god,i'm so lame!
and oh! he took back what he said about his pregnant girlfriend. tsk. tsk. compulsive liar.

3. love is lovelier the third time around.
-- yup,yup yup.. we reconciled. talked about the issues and made resolutions that would benefit us both. it was one of the best talks i had with nodski in 2 and a half years. i'll be marrying him on 2010.. sweet!

4. i told billy about the reconciliation.
-- i apologized and said that we would be better off as friends. he said that it was okay as long as i'm happy. and then all of a sudden, he started cracking offensive jokes about my boyfriend. the word war begins.. and well the rest is history.

5. my boyfriend's house caught fire.
-- i'm still in a state of shock so i don't have much to say. well at least all of them are safe and alive. GOD is GOOD.

You like me now because i'm what?!!

2005-04-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

Billy, my high school pseudo-sweetie called me up last friday. i was totally surprised because i haven't talked to him for like a year and the only pseudo-communication we had was through friendster. he lives in bulacan now by the way. i learned that he is now working as a checker in a shipping company and that in a couple of months he will be a daddy.

with the tone of his voice,i felt that he's not happy with the current state of his life. he even said indirectly that if he could only turn back time he wants me to be his girlfriend. i don't know but i have this feeling that the only reason why he's flirting with me is because he heard from our friends that i look better now. he kept on saying that friend # 1 saw me last night and said that i lost weight and friend # 2 said that i was blooming. blah blah blah. but aside from it all his compliments still made me happy and i admit that he was still able to give me that "kilig-factor".

don't get me wrong, sure i like the attention but it doesn't necessarily mean that i like him (romantically) too. i then realized that he was not the type of man that i want to spend the rest of my life with. he's still the same old flirty, goofy and immature guy i met 7 yrs. ago.

that one call made me appreciate my boyfriend more. i don't think i can ever find someone as mature, smart, loving, caring, understanding, sweet and generous as he is. he may not be perfect but he is someone that is worth keeping. he is the best boyfriend there is, the best there ever was and the best there ever will be.

i'm so glad that i made that decision 2 and a half years ago. it was the best decision i made in my life.

***one thing i learned in life. when you're in love you feel good. when you feel good you feel beautiful. when you feel beautiful you will be beautiful.

Ephemeral

2005-04-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

when i was still in high school, my values education teacher asked our class to look at an oslo paper with a tiny dot on it's center. when the whole class had already looked at it.
she asked us " what did you notice?"

whole class answered in uniform "it has a tiny dot on its center".
teacher: good! now lets proceed to our next topic. acceptance and forgiveness".
one student interrupted and asked "but what's the significance of the paper that has a dot on its center with our lesson?"

teacher: very good question! class,have you ever noticed that when someone did a bad thing to you. you only notice their negavite qualities. you never see their positive side. the dot represents the bad things and the paper represents the good things.

****
i don't know. i just remembered it while i was on the verge of screaming. sigh.. my boyfriend went out with his stupid friends (im not saying this because im mad! mind you.) and did not tell me about it. worst.. he even LIED to me.. (MORTAL SIN NUMBER ONE!) he gave me this lame-ass excuse so that he could leave his house. why oh why? did i not notice it?.

i really hate him for doing that. yes i know i'm being inconsistent (read my last post) but it's so unfair! he always know my whereabouts and i never lied to him.. errr.. well, except for a couple of white lies. i'm still not taking back what i said (again,read my last post) i still feel that i'm one helluva lucky girl to have someone like him. but why can't we be happy 24 hours a day,seven days a week. when can i be truly and constantly happy?

well.. i guess i know the answer.. maybe i should stop seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses. i have to accept the fact that i cannot have that perfect relationship everyone is dreaming of. that's the most impossible thing on planet earth by the way. (cynicism? haha!)

it seems that i know every solution to my problems but i can't seem to solve them. again.. why?
i still don't know what i'm gonna say to him later. i should teach him a lesson this time. sorry for my unclear train of thought. i'm still fuming with anger...

hay...
happiness is indeed an ephemeral thing.

Turning Point

2005-04-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

there are just times in your life when you just want to walk away and slowly fade into oblivion
you start to question everything.

what do i really want in life?
is this the right thing to do?
am i happy?

you start hating the whole world. you blame yourself for all the unpleasant things you have been through and then you wish you could go back to the time when you made that decision.
but you realize.. YOU CAN'T

and the only rational and possible thing to do is to face the consequences of your actions. hoping against hope that everything would turn out the way it should be.
i remember what my boyfriend said a while ago:

"don't be afraid. some things are just inevitable. i know you can pull this off. i believe in you and no matter what happens just remember that ILOVEYOU and i always will.

it's a good thing to know that in trying times there's a person that will be there to support you no matter what. i guess im not that unlucky at all. I HAVE HIM and it couldn't get any better.

life's a beach.. SWIM*** i was never good at writing and i don't think i ever will.

Diet? Not Again!

2005-03-28T17:32:00.000-08:00

WTF?!! i gained 5 pounds last week and it sucks. why am i so surprise anyway? all i did was kill time by sleeping and eating.. i just bummed around. when my friend saw me yesterday the first thing she said was "sh*t... you gained weight.. bochog",considering that the last time we saw each other was last tuesday. now i feel like i'm a walking tub of lard, after serious thinking i've decided to go on a diet.. (oh no! not again..)

Here's my Diet Menu for April:
Breakfast - Oatmeal w/ raisins or Any Fruit
1 glass of fresh juice.. (orange,carrot or mango will do)

Lunch - 1 cup of ricevegetable or fish
1 glass of fresh juice.. (orange,carrot or mango will do)

Dinner - wheat breadraisins1 glass of fresh juice.. (orange,carrot or mango will do)
i hope this will work.. i'm crossing my fingers.. wish me luck

Sick Sad World

2005-03-26T05:36:00.000-08:00

Last nights news came to me as a shocker. my best buds girlfriend called me up and told me that they already broke up. here's the story behind it all:

they had been dating for more than three years now. it's not always rainbows and butterflies for them. they had their share of fights and break-ups but they always manage to patch things up.

but now i think it's different.

my friend,"jack rabbit" got her pregnant which is so not surprising by the way.. (dude,have you ever heard of safe sex? haha! u know i luv u!) after a 3-month long "rehearsal",they decided to break the news to the the girl's parent. as expected,her parents fumed with anger. who would'nt? she's only 18 for pete's sake.. (my friend is two years older). her mom's reaction was far more "severe" than her dad's. the wicked witch,i mean her mom decided to abort the innocent baby. they pleaded and pleaded and pleaded but the "wicked witch's" power is far more stronger. they were so powerless that the only thing they could do is cry their hearts out. i was shocked,furious and baffled. how could her mom do such a thing? she's a mother. she should be the first one to understand the complicacy of the situation.

she's evil. a monster and a murderer.

does she even have a conscience? NOBODY except GOD has the right to take a human being's life. It's against our law and the law of GOD

the innocent baby even brought them closer together. my friend changed from this happy-go-lucky S.O.B to a caring and responsible dad-to-be. my heart aches for him. he does'nt deserve such pain.

he eventually broke up with her after a few days. i can't blame him. how could he continue the relationship when her mom was the one who killed their baby. it's pointless. he would never ever forget what she did for the rest of his life.

i just hope that he could get through all this. i know he can. he was always been a fighter.

**** "Jack Rabbit", if you ever read this. Call me ok? let's talk and after that we could drink the night away.. just like the old times..

For Him

2005-03-14T03:14:00.000-08:00

Push By: Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just melts away

All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections

You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am

And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together

You're the one true thing I know I can believe in

You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me

You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe

No matter what I say or do cause youre too good to fight about it

Even when I have to push just to see how far youll go

You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down

You make me feel less crazy when otherwise

I'd drownBut you pick me up & brush me off and tell me Im OK

sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

*this is for HIM.. yes i know this is just too mushy.. =)

The Promise

2005-01-03T10:15:00.000-08:00

would you believe that after 38 months of being together, we did'nt have a theme song. so last night, we chose this one and i am so loving it!